i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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