god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
