i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
