listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
