Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
