I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
