i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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