I wish my penis had an off switch
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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