I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
