Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
