Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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