The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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