when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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