Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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