Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
