As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
