Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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