Don't you send me to vm
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
