I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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