I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
