Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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