I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
