She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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