Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
