walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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