I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
