Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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