and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
