I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
