fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
