the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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