My liver just broke up with me...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
