omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
