So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
