it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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