She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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