ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
