How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
