Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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