If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
