god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
