because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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