I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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