got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's never too late to be topless.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
