yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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