i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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