How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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