The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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