I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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