i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
