Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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