Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
