Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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