Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
