OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
