i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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