sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
3 2 1 whiskey
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
