I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We named our party play list daddy issues
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize