im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
