i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
