Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
