dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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